Mom

Posted on 03/30/2016 by Annie

Dearest Mom,

I miss you so much.  Although with FaceTime and modern technology, you’re not that far away, I still miss you.  Or maybe the selfish part of me misses childhood, misses being taken care of, like a child.  And that is entirely selfish.  As if you haven’t given me so much of your love, time, youth, and energy already.

While this blog is for C&J, inevitably, I find myself reflecting on my childhood as I traverse this journey of parenthood.   So, this letter is for you.

I just came back from a tough vacation with the kids.  And I’m not whining.  We’re lucky to be able to go on vacation.  It just really sucked that C and I came down with fever and a nasty, persistent sore throat.

And as I sat on the return flight, hoping to get a break from motherhood so I could rest, two thoughts occurred to me:

  1. Being a mom really is one of the toughest jobs.  It doesn’t pay, costs a lot of money, and is literally around-the-clock, indefinitely.  Very few breaks and certainly not when you most want them.
  2. More importantly, and the point of this letter: I remembered those international flights we use to take when I was little and how you took care of me.  Compared to my own kids, who were actually pretty well-behaved and distracted with food or naps for our short flight, I was terrible and difficult to take care of.  I remembered I was over-sensitive to the smell of the aircraft and would throw up constantly, like 8-10 times on each flight, and I refused to eat for the 12-14 hours those flights lasted.  It became so routine that we had to ask for those disposable bags upfront on every trip.  And I probably asked to go to the restroom an unreasonable number of times.  (Have I mentioned how much I hate taking my kids to public restrooms?  It’s the necessary evil of parenthood.  I digressed.)  And you patiently cut up these fruits for me and prepared these cheese crackers, which were the only things I could stand to eat on board.  And sometimes I would whine nonstop while you were eating your meal b/c I couldn’t stand the smell of the food on those international flights.  In short, I was a pain to take care of on those trips, and you never complained or got impatient with me.

On the topic of vacations….I remembered never quite understanding why sometimes you rather stay behind in the hotel room to rest while asking dad to take us on hikes or some activities for the day.  I would complain that you weren’t a team player, ruining family bonding time.  But I get it now.  You were exhausted…exhausted planning the trip, packing everything and getting everything ready for us.  Making sure we had all the comforts of home away from home.

And I never fully appreciated or understood until now.  Thank you.   I don’t say it often enough.  Thank you.

Love,

Your daughter

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Sibling Rivalry

Posted on 03/17/2016 by Annie

My Dearest C&J,

I’m going to attempt to explain my thoughts on a very difficult and complex subject.

It’s been said that even siblings can have vastly different experiences growing up, shaped by their birth order, their parents’ perception of them, and even their own perceptions of their places in the family.

With that said, I’m acutely aware that the two of you do not share the same childhood.

C: As the first born, you had our undivided attention for three years.  Everything I experienced with you was new, anxiety-inducing at times, and exciting at times.  As a first time parent, I dove into your upbringing as I would take on life’s most important and challenging project.  Not a detail was missed, and most of your birthdays so far were celebrated with elaborate parties.  I know that you are used to having our undivided attention.  After all, it’s only fair.  That’s the world as you knew it for a long time.

J: As our younger child, you have the benefit of our wisdom and parenting experience, but not the undivided attention.  (I’m guessing you will get more of our undivided attention, which you may not want, in your late teens, when your sister goes to college.)   I no longer planned elaborate birthday parties, because I realized it doesn’t matter to you.  You would have just as much fun if the same resources were allocated toward a family outing.  (Just so you know, I will throw you a party next year when you can actually express to me what you want for your party.)  You’ve started demonstrating to me that you are not to be ignored, that you want to be heard as much as your sister, and you want our undivided attention as well!

Well, here’s my challenge.  My attention toward you two, cannot, by definition, be undivided.  And unless you’ve come up with some brilliant metric or accurate measurement of attention, it will never be split evenly.

What I know is this. (From my own experience as a sibling and from watching the two of you grow.)  There will be times, in our journey together, when each of you will feel that I love the other more, that I’m paying more attention to the other one, or that I am not being fair to you.  And you will be right.  What you feel is what you feel.  And I will not discount it.

But I will ask you to remember that I am human.  That I try to do my best.  That I believe in each different phase of your journey of growth, one of you will need me more or I believe I can add more value toward one at a particular time.  And that it is human nature to gravitate toward you when you are loving toward me vs. when you are angry at me, ignoring my asks, or acting completely differently from my expectations.

I will try and continue to try, to be sensitive toward and acknowledge how each of you feel.

I also want to share this realization I gained as an adult, looking back on my childhood.  I always wondered and as a young child, I asked my mom, “Who do you love more, my sister or me?”  She would smile and answer, “I love the one who is listening and behaving better more.”

It was only after having two kids of my own that I fully realized the answer doesn’t matter at all.  It doesn’t matter, because sometimes, your parents don’t actually know the answer.  I am not aware of loving one of you more than the other, C&J.

It also doesn’t matter, because if there is a difference, the difference is minimal in the grand scheme of things.  So what, if my parent(s) loved my sibling more than me?   They still love me to the moon and back, more than they love themselves, and more than anyone has ever loved me.  And that sibling they love?  Well, she loves me to the moon and back, and I feel the same about her.   So, in my case, I am very, very blessed.

And I hope the two of you will feel the same way about each other and appreciate each other.  That is so very important to me.

Love,

Mom

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Building Blocks

Posted on 03/17/2016 by Annie

My Dearest C&J,

I see that I’ve neglected to write new letters to you for a long time.  Well, we’ve been busy.

C: When you look back on this year, I hope you will remember fondly your 5 extracurricular activities + our weekly trips to the library.  I love that you love books and are such an avid reader.  It’s a great way to acquire knowledge beyond what dad and I can teach you, and you’re off to a great start.  And yes, all your activities are a lot of hard work.  Work that you don’t want to take on at times.  But your continued passion and enjoyment of them and refusal to give them up reassure me that they are right for you, for now.  And yes, whether you know it or not, I am always checking-in, trying to assess if it’s all too much.

One day, when we look back together, I hope we see that these activities helped you build a strong foundation for the journey you embark on.  It’s impossible to do everything well and your challenge in the next few years will be to choose.  Music, dance, gymnastics, and academics?  Where should you focus?  We all have our biases, and I need to keep reminding myself that it’s your choice and yours only.

J: You make me laugh almost every day.  How did you grow into a preschooler so quickly?  Preschool has started with some challenges for you.  But you are happy, and you’ve grown to love school, and that’s all that really matters.  In a world seemingly built for extroverts, it can be overwhelming to be introverted.  You take a long time to warm up to a new environment and new friends, always cautiously observing before jumping in.  And I know exactly how you feel!  One day, you’ll see that there’s power to being introverted too.

I love your creativity and the silly questions you ask me.  My “adulterated” adult mind can’t always make sense of what you’re saying or what your questions mean.   But no matter.  You seem satisfied with my answers, even when I don’t try hard enough to come up with the right answers.  I will keep reminding myself to try harder.

As adults, the two of you probably won’t remember these “building blocks” of learning we’ve worked so hard to stack.  I know I can’t quite recall exactly what I did at your age.  I hope you do remember the feeling of being well loved and cherished.  That what you say and do, every day, matter.  Tremendously.  And will, always.

Love,

Mom

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You are Not Me

Posted on 03/20/2015 by Annie

My Dear C and J,

During my three week break from work, I so enjoyed our extra time together.  J, your giggles and increasing confidence at Gymboree class warm my heart.  C, your little milestones in gymnastics, cello and all your activities make me so proud.  But more importantly, those little drawings you present to me, the times you both run up and grab my hand or give me kisses, they mean more to me than words can capture.    It’s the little acts you do, unprompted, that make all the hard work and occasional exhaustion worth it.

I read excerpts from a wonderful book yesterday, “The Conscious Parent.”  And they remind of something.  While you are the center of my life, you are not me.  I do not own you nor possess you.  It is not your responsibility to fulfill my or your father’s unfulfilled dreams and wishes.   You are each your own unique individual, with your own dreams to fulfill and your life to live, to the fullest, as you see fit.  Parenting is not about controlling you or your choices, but guiding you, supporting you as you discover your passions and path forward.

As parents, we often see our children as a direct reflection on us.  Who they marry, what colleges they attend, what professional they choose, all become highly personal.  If you misbehave, it must be that I wasn’t a good mom.  And in our culture and community especially, many moms jump to conclusions and point fingers.  But perhaps, we should give each other a break and allow our children to thrive as they are.  Your kids misbehave sometimes, as do mine . And it’s okay, they are learning and growing up.  We set boundaries and give corrections so they don’t hurt others in their misbehavior, but let’s not point fingers and accuse other mothers of being negligent until we know their stories.  The worst accusation I’ve heard has been I chose work over parenting, or the implication, that by working, I’m somehow not as adequate a parent.

C and J, your reasons for major life choices are your own.   I hope you never feel the need to defend those choices or have to justify them but have the courage to make great decisions and carry forward.  I’ve struggled with living up to others’ expectations all my life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have enormous expectations and hopes for you too.  But you are each your own individual.   You need to live with kindness and integrity.  Otherwise, don’t let my expectations dictate how you want to live your life.

Love always,

Mom

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An equation for success

Posted on 10/17/2014 by Annie

My Dearest C and J,

I want to share with you a little equation I believe in…

Outcome = 50% attitude + 30% hard work + 20% talent

It all starts with attitude.  C, I’m so proud of the progress you’ve made in cello.  But we’ve been having a little tug-of-war lately on attitude.  No doubt you’re upset at me for constantly pointing out the areas needing improvement and not showering you with praises.  And the long practice sessions.  Well, it comes back to my equation.

Conventional Chinese wisdom (aka, what the grandparents keep saying) goes like this: “Aya, don’t push her too hard.  We have no musicians, gymnasts, ballerinas, tennis player <insert whatever> in the family.  What could possibly happen there?”

That would hold true if I believed inborn talent meant everything.  But that has not been my experience in life so far.   C and J, if you believe you can do it, you can do it.  I can’t emphasize enough, the right can-do attitude, confidence, and optimism will take you a long, long way.  Always start every project, every challenge, every hobby thinking “I CAN.”  The worst thing you can do is talk yourself out without ever trying.   Next, if you really want to succeed, you have to work hard.  There is no substitute for hard work.  Any type of cheating will catch-up with you over time.  You have to put in the work.

Those two combined will take you most of the way there, and in the majority of the cases, farther than most others, even those who have the talent but didn’t do the rest.

You may not be Yo-yo Ma, but if it’s your passion, with the right attitude and hard work, you could be playing in the world-renowned orchestra of your choice.

You may not win the Olympic gold medal in gymnastics, but if it’s your passion, with the right attitude and hard work, you could secure an excellent college scholarship.

You may not end up dancing with a professional ballet company, but if it’s your passion, with the right attitude and hard work, you could win competitions and showcase your dancing in front of large audiences.

Or, you could be the next Yo-Yo Ma, Olympics gold medalist, or professional ballerina.  The truth is, that 20% talent is mysterious and unknown, not always obvious and certainly not in our control.  Let’s focus on what counts and secure the 80%!

Always cheering you on,

Mom

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You Can Do It!

Posted on 04/23/2014 by Annie

My Dearest C,

When you were a little baby, you were quite a challenge to take care of!  I remember a particular Saturday where I sat all afternoon in the rocking chair in your room, because as soon as I put you down, you would wake up.  Or if you managed to stay asleep, it was only for 30 minutes.  You had feeding challenges, a cleft palate, and severe reflux.

Looking back, it’s hard to imagine how we made it through the year.   I remember there were moments of tears, moments of despair, lots of anxiety, and most of all, fear.  Fear that I could not give you the best…. the best possible life.

But even that challenging year passed so quickly.  Look at you now.  You are a beautiful 4 year old who is so independent and who has overcome so many challenges, whether or not you are aware of having overcome them.  Despite not hearing well for most of the first year, you are now extremely articulate.  You are musical, and you’ve learned to pronounce the sounds that you couldn’t before.  I am so proud of you!

That’s the thing with challenges.  When you are in the midst of it, it’s hard to see the sunshine.  But be confident in yourself, handle yourself with grace, and know that the difficult times will always pass.

I remember crying helplessly a few days after you were born, after we first saw your surgeon.  The road ahead seemed so daunting, so many surgical procedures and uncertainties ahead.   Much of life is about perception and your attitude.  I realize now, I was very negative in that moment and failed to appreciate how lucky we are, how lucky we have been.  Fortunately, I had my dear sister nearby, to keep me down to earth, to snap me out of feeling sorry for myself, and remind me to focus on you and what matters.

The bigger you get, the more I realize I can’t protect you from everything.  I can’t take away your sadness when your friends don’t want to play with you or when you get teased at school.  I can’t take away your sadness when you have to return to school after a long Easter Break.  Neither can I take away my own sadness at having to part from you and return to work.  But just as I was able to dive in to work and contribute to the best of my ability, I could tell by the end of the day, you were able to find a way to enjoy your time in school.  I hope that over the coming years, I will have given you the confidence and tools you need to navigate well the journey of life.  Above all, that you will find the positive attitude and courage to tackle life’s challenges.

Love,

Mom

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Magnified

Posted on 04/16/2014 by Annie

Dearest C,

You are so smart.  You never cease to amaze me, catch me off guard, challenge me, and give me giant headaches.  And you’re only 4.  Honestly, I’m not looking forward to your tween and teenage years.  Any chance I’m getting the teenage years early, and you’ll be a super understanding and obedient daughter later?

I know, not likely.

You are just like me.  But magnified 10 times.  If I’m sensitive to criticism, you are even more so.  If I think I’m so smart, you think you’re smarter.  If I crave attention, you do so even more.  A mirror reflecting back all my strengths and also my flaws.

If only I could transmit all that I learned over the years to you at once.  So I’ll never have to watch you suffer, or struggle, or face sadness.  Only triumph.

I know, not likely.

You were struggling with me at piano practice, again today.  All you want to do is watch “Cinderella.”  All I want to do is tell you how unrealistic fairy tales are.  How the dream for a prince and happily ever after will only lead to disappointment.  How the focus on pretty dresses and nice hair is so superficial, even as I love dressing you up

How desperately I want you to develop a passion, a skill you can always be proud of, a sense of achievement conquering challenges, to know that you can.  Because you can!  I see it so clearly.  You have the talent.   My limited talent, magnified 10 times, the opportunity to start even earlier, the guiding coach by your side.

Am I ruining it?  Am I pushing too hard?

Will you have my perseverance, but magnified 10 times?  Will you have my confidence, but magnified 10 times?

Mom

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A Fresh Start

Posted on 04/16/2014 by Annie

My Dear Darlings,

I’m creating this blog to capture all the thoughts I want to pass onto you.  Some, you won’t understand now.  But one day, you might…

It’ll also be a great way to look back, learn together, and grow together.

Love,

Mom

 

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